A Reason to Be
by onelessreason
Summary: Hermione struggles to come to terms with the devastation her life has become and the pain of letting go of Ron
1. A Reaon to Be

A Reason to Be.

* DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF J K ROWLINGS CHARACTERS OR SETTINGS*

Hermione looked around the empty family home. The home she had grown in, laughed in, been loved in. The home her parents had built out here in the now hollow muggle world of her childhood, the world that had once meant everything to her and yet now, it was nothing but a collection of distant memories of a life she had once lived and the vague thoughts of a future she may have had.

She did not like the silence of this home.

She did not like the layer of dust coating the pictures of her and her parents.

She did not like knowing her parents had no recollection of the life they had lived with their only daughter, the girl whom they had held and loved, took care of and taught.

She did not like the way her life kept changing.

After that victorious summer following the demise of the worlds most dangerous enemy, to both the magic community and the muggles, her people, she felt broken. Ron Weasley, her once best friend had not proved to be what she needed. Yet she swore she loved him with a deep-felt intensity that spanned across the present separation, he could not understand why she needed to be alone, why she could not put him through the pain of rebuilding her life.

Ron was all that she had, but she had let him go, go to his family, to the ministry job that had begged for him, to the friendship with Harry which could now exist without the tension of Harry's fame and Ron's shortage of apparent skills or money. She let him go to have the fun and prestige he desired, that he had earned.

He did not understand.

She did not like that he did not understand.

She looked at one picture, lying on the table in the hallway. A table, she remembered, that she had frequently knocked against when she was younger resulting in bruises. Now she was older and had a different selection of bruises. The picture was in a wooden frame with a glass panel, a gift from a distant aunt of her mothers, she wiped the dust away and revealed a family portrait taken one day by the coast of east England, she had been eight years old, her hair explosive in the wind with a scattering of freckles from the sun, and her smile revealed two slightly large front teeth, "even they have changed" she thought…..

Her parents were standing either side of her, protective arms around her shoulders, smiling broadly at the camera, with the perfect smiles of dentists. The sea was visible at their sides and they stood on a smooth beach. "Perfect" she thought, "but now…" she sighed. Her previous life had been a cliché, she knew that, other than her exceptional intellectual abilities and her apparent lack a social skills. She had never been the most popular girl, but she had a family who loved her and took care of her. Now things were different.

The separation from everyone she loved was aching, but she had to move on before she could begin to live again, she knew that, but she wished Ron knew that too… She thought about going back to Hogwarts to finish her seventh year, a chance to focus herself and recover. Ron and Harry weren't returning, they had settled into their new jobs happily enough. She could feel her wand in her jeans pocket….

Without venturing through the rest of the house she locked the door, and replaced the enchantments she had placed to protect her last sanctuary from any intrusion. "Only until I'm ready…. I'll be back, and maybe I'll bring Ron…" She could always feel one solid thump in her chest whenever her thoughts turned back to him, and it was something they did frequently. Hogwarts, that was where she would go, she would find salvation in knowledge, knowledge gave her the sense of security she desired and ridded her of the fears of not knowing…..

"To Hogwarts then" she breathed in the town air, aware of the difference between that and the mountain air at Hogwarts. Suddenly tired she longed for the comfort of her dormitory and she felt a pull inside, it was calling her back, one last time now that she was certain.


	2. Moving Forward

**Moving Forward.**

Waking up was always the worst part, the part when the realisation that she had left him actually struck and the realisation that he couldn't just roll over and reach out for her, to hold, before the day began properly, hit him hard, every single morning. She hadn't even been gone long, a couple of weeks, but after the glorious summer they had spent in the euphoria of the defeat of the demons of the past and the sudden flourishing of his feelings that had been buried for so long made these two weeks of absence dark and painful.

He remembered lying in this bed in his room, after it was safe to return to the comfortably cluttered home of his childhood, with Hermione. He remembered the sunlight streaming in and bathing her face in the morning, making her look ethereal, and him all the more amazed that this beautiful, smart and kind witch had chosen him, Ronald Weasley, as the man she would love.

…'_cept she never" _he brooded, _she's gone now, I thought she was happy here… with me_. He looked around his room, nothing impressive, but he had a great job at the Ministry now, working as Auror. He thought they could be happy, but she never accepted any of her job offers, and when he asked why she just said you won't understand……..

"Ron?" a muffled shout came from the narrow winding staircase, floating up to his room from somewhere bellow. Ron didn't reply, he didn't have to get up yet to be happy and work, to be surrounded with people who now thought of him as a hero. He thought about all those times Harry had told him that fame was nothing wonderful, and despite enjoying the credit for what he had done, he understood what his best friend had meant. Even worse was the knowledge that the fame had cost many people dearly, and that was a bitter thought.

Footsteps thudded up the stairs and Ron's elder brother, George, burst into the room. "Oi, get up!" trying to be cheerful despite the pain he still felt from his twins death. A pain he knew would never leave, a thought which scared him. Ron glanced over his pillow and mumbled something utterly incoherent, worry darted across Georges features. He knew that he would have to talk to Ron, and now seemed like the right time….

He sat on the edge of the bed, "Look, Ron, you miss her don't you?"

"What do you think?" Ron snapped more harshly than he meant,

"Ok, sorry, I asked for that, but believe me, I know how you feel, to have someone who you think will always be there… and then they have gone, completely gone, you have no explanation for it that seems reasonable to you, and you can't understand why. It hurts Ron, but you have to move forwards. Everyone is worrying about you, especially since you're pretending to everyone else like nothing has happened, and we could all see how much you and her-"

"What's your point?"

"Well, everyone is still celebrating what we all achieved, and fought for. Died for. This isn't something you can hide, the smiles are transparent and the fake happiness to blend in just isn't working. Ron this sounds harsh, and I know you don't want to… but get up, and get the hell on with living. You have time left for love, so now you need to move on." George looked slightly apprehensive at Rons reaction but the certainty in the thoughts he had voiced were apparent.

_I don't want to move on….._

_But then, why the hell should I sit here moping…._

_She's probably off with some other guy, or has her nose shoved so far into a book she'll never get it out…._

_Screw this._

"Ok, ok, I just…. It's not that easy… Ok, I'm fine,. I don't need her anyway, no need for you lot to worry about me. I've been through worse" he attempted to grin. George smiled uncertainly, but nodded, _this is the right thing for Ron, he needs to be happy, and he'll move on. _

Ron sat in his own office that day, thinking over his decision to move on, a decision he wasn't sure he could stick too. Harry had spoken to Ron earlier and encouraged him to come out for a few drinks in Diagon Alley with him and Ginny after work. He was sympathetic to Ron's situation, but he knew how stubborn Hermione could be too…. The only thing fair on Ron was to help him get on with his life, and hope that his two best friends would one day be friends again.

Ron had said he'd think about it, but was already regretting even that much. Especially since Ginny and Harry completely adored each other, if she hadn't been his sister then he would have thought it was quite cute.

There was a knock on his door, Anna, his secretary walked in. He couldn't help but notice the seductive smile she flashed as she strutted over to his desk in her deep purple high heels, and tight black skirt. Her perfume, which was rather overpowering quickly reached him and made his head spin a little. She opened her deep red lips, " So, what are your plans this evening? Going out anywhere?" her voice was husky.

"Dunno, maybe go out if I feel like it…..", the look on face made it clear that wasn't the answer she wanted.

"I'm going out, maybe you could come out too?" she tried again,

"well, uh…" _Everyone keeps telling me to move on, what better way to start than with a date? _"Yeah, ok then, I already arranged to go out with Hrry and my sister though, so I hope you don't mond tagging along?"

"Oh, not at all" She smiled brightly, turned on her heel, and strode out of the room pausing for a backward glance as she opened the door, "see you later then…." and she left it at that.

Hours later Ron was dancing with Anna, she knew how to move herself, and she definitely knew how to get attention. Tight skinny jeans and a low cut top showed her long legs and smooth skin, her long curly hair flounced as they moved, shimmering as the lights caught the individual strands.

Ginny was glaring at Rons new choice of potential girlfriend, she did not approve and couldn't believe Harry had let him bring that thing out as a date. The word made her seethe, _this is NOT right, Hermione needs us, just not in her face all the time… If she knew about this…_She made up her mind when Anna started leaning in for a kiss with her brother…

"RON! I have to tell you something!"

He looked a little annoyed but traces of relief were hidden in his features.

"What?" he let go of Anna, who looked murderous, and walked towards her,

"Hermione's going back to Hogwarts"

Shock slammed into him, _Hermione, _"so?"

"I thought you should know" Ginny ventured.

"Why would I care? I have uh… Anna here" bitterness tinged his attempt at care-free.

"Oh, ok then Ron…" Ginny began to walk away,

"Wait! You spoke to her? Is she ok?" concern was mingling with the shock and hurt on his face,

"Yeah, she sent an owl, so I could stay in touch, although I think she wanted you to know too. She's ok I think, just needing some space… Ron I know she cares about you.

_Ha, what a joke, she doesn't care about me. And She is wrong I do understand, she doesn't want me. _

"Yeah right, sure she cares, well screw her, and oh by the way Ginny, screw you too" He left his sister with smarting eyes to look after the hurt brother she cared about as he walked back to Anna, and took advantage of a willing piece of meat…


	3. Attempting Normality

_Attempting Normality._

_**Walking the corridors alone at night brought a mixture of joy and pain to Hermione, the pale moon would flood the windows casting eerie shadows across the stone floors and walls, and reflect off the tears which would glide noiselessly down her checks, dropping off her like so many pearls and cluster in her hair. They evaporated with no trace, she wished her pain would do the same.**_

_**It was bittersweet to be here, at Hogwarts, the place she had met Ron and so many other people who meant so much. She loved this old castle, she loved the values it stood for and the appreciation it bestowed on education and knowledge. Yet it felt empty without many of the friends she had spent years with. She felt empty without Ron. **_

_**She climbed some steps, up a tower which had not yet been repaired following the devastation caused by last years battle. There was talk of leaving it to show the future generations that some things are worth sacrificing in order to protect even greater things. There was also talk of moving on. She had climbed this tower before, under the invisibility cloak with Ron and Harry, to take Norbert, Hagrids pet dragon to Ron's elder brother. She smiled at the memory, but inwardly winced at the thought of walking here with Ron.**_

_**I made my decision, I have done what's best, I know I have. He deserves more than I can give him right now…**_

**Deep down she knew that no amount reasoning could actually justify this self-inflicted torture, only the thought that doing otherwise would hurt Ron more kept her from returning to him. **

**She had written to Ginny to tell her that she would be returning to Hogwarts, in the hope that it would reassure the Weasley's without reinstating the contact with Ron that she knew would make her lose all conviction in her actions. She did not want him against her, but neither did she want him to be friends with her right now. As Ginny would return to Hogwarts she appeared to be the logical communication link. This rational line of thought reassured Hermione. She hoped Ginny would understand that she needed to be away from all those closest to her, especially since she had done her best to avoid Ginny since their arrival last week. **

**The steps were jagged as the holes caused by spells remained, eventually the entire floor was gone, and she could go no further. Hermione felt trapped, trapped by the memories, desires, and what she could not have until she could move forward. **_**Hopefully with Ron.**_

**The familiar routine of school life had claimed Hermione all week, some of her friends had returned, Luna, Neville, Seamus. She had avoided them though, not entirely, but enough that they respected her privacy. The distance was tiring but it was the only thing she could think of to help, she thought time could help cure her feelings of being broken. She thought that thinking through things in her ever-logical manner could recover the once happy person she had been.**

**The library had claimed her, her mealtimes quiet, class time taken over, thankfully, by the knowledge the teachers offered to those willing to learn, her private time spent wherever was quietest, and her night times spent strolling the corridors alone except for the misery of her thoughts. She could sleep only a little and that too was broken by the worry she felt for Ron, the pain her love caused her as person by person she had to let people go to protect them. She felt like she was only going to cause pain.**

_**I hope Ron is ok, I hope he will forgive me. I'm not what he needs, I need him but first I have to make sure I can give him everything he wants. He wont want an emotional wreck. Maybe he's happier now. **_**A fresh flood of tears chocked her throat at that thought **_**No! He can't be… but I half hope he is, but I don't want him to at the same time… Now I'm being selfish. Maybe he'll wait…**_

**Her thoughts turned to the night she had told him she had to go. **

**He had been noticing her distance for the few days previous, she noticed it was bringing him down from the euphoric level that had consumed him since the battle had been won. He decided to talk to her, scared he had hurt her in some way, she felt even guiltier when he asked if he had. They walked down the meadow at the Weasley's home, the sun had been heavy and low in the sky, threatening a sudden submission to darkness, already the edges of the world were staining purple with an encroaching coolness. He pulled her close to him in the middle of the knee-high grass that waved slightly in the evening air, with occasional flowers interspersed with the thin blades of deep green. **

**He asked what he'd done, he pleaded for her to forgive him. She told him he had done nothing wrong, everything was perfect, and that was why she had to go, she could not spoil it. He had told her she could never spoil anything in his life. She told him she already was. He asked her what she was spoiling, and why. She was breaking inside, she could not face him any longer, not like this, so she told him he would not understand. He begged her to try and tell him. She told him he needed more right now, that he deserved more. He felt cold shock seep through him, she meant what she was saying, her eyes never lied. She felt dead, the pain she was causing… she turned around and walked away, she planned to be gone before he got home.**

**Before she quite left the meadow she glanced back. She told herself not too. She did it anyway. She watched as he sank into the long grass, his tall frame merging with the dusk and dancing grass. She let a drop of pain fall from her eye.**

**She never knew, but when she left. He stayed all night. He pretended that he could go to sleep and wake up lying next to her. He imagined she would see his face in the morning and light up, like it had done for weeks. He imagined she would tell him it had been a bad dream. Promise never to leave. Promise.**


	4. Guilty

**Guilty.**

A month later the guilt of being with that easy hang-on Anna was eating Ron up, it had started in the pit of his stomach, slowly creeping through his whole body until it completely consumed him.

He couldn't eat properly.

He couldn't sleep properly, even when the dull ache of exhaustion set in.

He didn't know why he felt so guilty; she had left him.

But that didn't change the fact that the thought of Anna's bare skin pressed against his made him want to throw up.

Or the thought of her lips on his.

Or his clothes lying on her bedroom floor.

Despite the intensity of his guilt Ron felt that Hermione had deserved what she had gotten; he had tried to move on and had slept with someone else. But then he thought that he hadn't actually moved on, just used Anna to temporarily hide his confusion, hurt, and humiliation. He regretted thinking that pretending everything was fine would make it all better. That it would heal the scars in his heart, stop that fleeting moment of unhindered joy every morning for the half-second before he realised she was gone.

As for Anna… He had used her, but then, she had used him too. She had used him because of his fame. She had wanted him as a trophy; a conquest, dating the best friend of Harry Potter, someone who had helped to fight for the freedom of the wizarding world. Ron was a celebrity, as were those had openly fought The Dark Regime, he had a million party invites, letters, and even an official calendar. He didn't want the fame he had once yearned for. Harry hadn't lied about that.

Ron told Harry about Anna, who was transferred to another office, but he still received dirty looks from Anna's work friends who had heard her version of a man who is so full of himself he will help himself to whatever he chooses; Anna the innocent victim.

Ginny, too, he had hurt. He hadn't meant to be so nasty to her… He was angry that Hermione had chosen to contact her, over him, and wondered why if she wanted to be friendly with the Weasley's she had broken his heart. He thought that Hermione was still in contact with everyone else, other than him.

He thought back to the pain in Hermione's eyes the night she had left. It tore through him, the shattered peace of her eyes had shown the scars in her soul, but he had no idea where they had come from. _It must be me, I must have done that. It MUST have been me… I don't know what I did… I wish she would talk to me, I need her, but maybe she doesn't need me. But she loves me! I know she does, she told me, again and again that she loved me. Hermione wouldn't lie about that, ever. I need to know what's wrong…_

He desperately wanted to soothe his pain, her pain, his guilt. Her pain was causing his, but maybe he was causing hers… Ron could not understand what had happened, he wished she would have talked to him but every time he thought of making contact again Anna would barge into his mind, with her big eyes and remind him he did not deserve Hermione and once again he would feel his guilt claim him, dragging him into darkness that tinged the brightest of lights and flooded the night.

His anger at Hermione for leaving, his pain from thinking he had hurt her, his annoyance at Ginny being the preferred correspondence, and his guilt for trying to erase Hermione with someone as superficial, cheap and shallow as Anna. Anna diametric to all of Hermione's qualities, her intelligence, and her pure, innocent charm.

He had no idea what to do.

_I want her back… but she left, so she doesn't want me. I am never going to get over her, I know it. She's the one. I need to fight for her…_

Only, he didn't quite know how…


End file.
